New shoes

Yay!  Bought new shoes today.  i have unusual feet, so not that easy to get shoes that fit (broad, small and high instep - your basic everyday Fred Flinstone feet).  These are nice.  i bought a corset the other day, online, which sits under the bust and exposes the breasts unless an under top is worn.  i have a skirt i will be wearing with it for now, and now the shoes to set it off, kind of Edwardian meets goth/vampire fiction dress.  Thinking about getting a top hat and lace parasol to set it off now.  We are off to a castle next month for a scene party, so i figure that's as good a place as any to dress up.

WWMD

 A few licks of the dragon's tail last night and i was taken out of time.  It has been a long time since it was used on me, but it was enjoyable.  i've been sensing a need to go a lot deeper lately.  For a while now, it seems as though we just reach a place and give up and i'm left with an unfulfilled feeling.  Kind of like your lover getting you all worked up to the point of orgasm, then having to leave - no fun finishing it yourself.  Its like i'm still at that edge, waiting to be (lovingly) pushed over.  i guess when the session finishes, i realise i have so much more still in reserve to give and i want that taken from me as well.

i guess what i'm asking for is to be broken.  Its something i've wanted for the longest time.  Not broken in the sense of psychological damage, but broken in the sense of needing to break a cocoon so the butterfly can emerge.  i've known for a very long time that this is what i've needed.  To truly enslave me, truly own me i need to be taken beyond what i think is the point of endurance and come out the other side.

i have decided the number one priority in my life is my relationship with Master.  Being His slave means more to me than anything.  i've finally got my head right about the whole order of things and that its about pleasing Him that counts.  Anything that would affect our relationship negatively must go, no matter how much i might enjoy it.  Master will be locking a permanent collar around my next one day.  Before that happens, i will be signing over a complete and total power of attorney to Him.  i guess i'm looking not only for internal enslavement, but for a complete metamorphosis to where i see myself as utter slave.  slave first, slave second, slave third, then michelle, then person.

i'm trying to let go of a whole lot of habits, like spending money on useless things.  i'm choosing to not spend money at all unless i really have to, so the money can sit in the bank and build up.  Do i really need that thing i think i want so much?  Would Master think it was needed?  Usually the answer there would be 'no'.  i don't want to hand my cards over because that would defeat the purpose, besides, i'd just go and do on line transfers as a "so there".  No, much better for it to become an internal enslavement, where it becomes second nature for me not to spend money.

What would please Master?  That is the thought i need to be ingrained into my brain.

The most natural state

i've finally discovered the most natural state for me to be in permanently is horny.  Horny without permission to touch myself, so the arousal can only build and build and i can do nothing to release it.  In this state i find myself naturally submissive and eager to please.  Its like being just in the door of subspace, able to jump right in at a moment's notice. 

i love the whole concept of being permanently on edge and any man able to come up and touch me or tease me to his own pleasure and my being under instructions to let it happen.  That isn't going to happen because Master will not allow just anyone to touch me, but its a nice arousing thought all the same.

This morning i was left with some cane marks on my breasts and possibly my bum (not sure, didn't check).  How quickly they fade though.  Still, its the first time we've gotten a decent mark on me, so here's hoping.  i was a bit surprised at how much of a turn on the sharpness of the pain was though.  i can see myself at some point passing out from the pure bliss of it.

Going over the edge

Master,

i am standing on a precipice right now, wanting to go over the edge but not able to do it alone.  i want Your help to push me over and make me fly.  i am so close to reaching the next level of Internal Enslavement, i want to go there, but can't on my own.  It has to be a kind of "forced" thing if You understand what i mean.

Please help me.  i need You to be cool and strict with me for now.  To punish every and all slight infractions of the rules.  i need constant reminding of my place when You are around.  This will not damage me psychologically because i'm in the right head space to go here and i want with all my heart to take advantage of this moment.  i'm not asking You to never be affectionate with me or to treat me tenderly, that would not be You i think.  i am asking that when i am punished it be cruel.  i am asking for a list of transgressions to be kept written down and for me to be punished for every one of them.  i am asking You to please help me flip the switch in my head.  i want this, i so want this.

Please Master, this is for my own good.  i feel like i'm going to go crazy inside.  i have this craving to be totally slave right now at Your feet.  What Goreans call belly fire.  i need You to be strong and not waiver.  Last night You pulled my head back by the hair and said "you can take 6 more" then gave me 6 more.  That is what i am needing right now.  i have felt times when i've called out in pain and then felt the flogger hit me a little lighter next stroke.  i need to know the next stroke won't be lighter, it will be the same or harsher.  i need Your strength here to not give in to me, but to help me over that edge.

First steps to IE

i have turned some corner in my journey in slavery.  i feel myself sinking into the sublime quicksand of submission: His power and authority over me.  Its a breathless place, but i don't need to breathe, just suffocate in Him.

i love His strength, His power, His confidence when He wields a flogger on my back with full force.  i love His taking command of me, and i also love the soft, gentle moments when He tenderly strokes my head.

i want to be at His feet always.  To sit quietly next to Him while He eats dinner or watches TV or is on the computer.  i want to be the footstool under His precious feet, giving them rest.  To be called to Him from wherever and ordered to pleasure Him because that is what He would like.  To take strokes of the cane or belt, simply because He felt like doing that right then.  To fetch and to carry for Him.  

i had a sudden realisation today.  When things around the house are not done properly, it is my fault, even if He was the one to tend to that task.  It should not be up to Him to be doing such things.  If He does and it isn't done to a certain standard, then that is my fault and i should be punished for that, for i was responsible to begin with.  One task around the house that is Master's is putting the rubbish out each week.  Last night this was not done, yet it wasn't His fault it was mine.  When i realised it had not been done, i simply should have gone and done it.  Not reminded Him, as it is not my place to drawer attention to something which might be seen as a fault, to diminish Him.  He should not have to keep track of these things, this is my obligation.  i need to be punished for this and will ask for it tonight.

i feel i have been too defiant for too long.  i have forgotten my place and my role.  i have only recently been made aware of this and i am choosing to rectify it now.  i have protocol which must be followed for it will please Him.  The change however, is not to do this because He commands or because i 'want' to, it is because it is right.  This is the way i need to conduct myself and this is the way that will bring honour to Master because He chose this behaviour.