Triggers

i have downloaded a programme which displays subliminal messages on the screen quicker than you can take them in, but you can see them there. There are set scripts, but you can also add your own and i've decided to start using it to help me get over some sexual issues i've had in the past. Had it on about 20 minutes and i can say it seems to be working.

i've been working through some amazingly deep issues the last 6 months. So much is coming up and just being released, its wonderful. i think my issues with submissive L have a lot to do with that as well, some of the deeper stuff that happened earlier on in my childhood is being sparked off. i know i was made to feel like an outsider in my own home once my sister came along and then when the second one came, i was actually shipped out to stay with relatives on weekends, so maybe what is happening now is triggering feelings of abandonment i didn't know i had back then. i always thought i was glad to be out of the house where "he" was, but looking back, i was also an incredibly lost, lonely child. It didn't help that my aunt was always in what seemed an incredibly bad mood and i felt like i was intruding there too. Often, my cousins would go off and play without me and i'd be left to my own devices for hours on end, just reading books or whatever. Them living on the 14th floor and me having a phobia of heights just wasn't a good match.

Wow, that is actually quite traumatic stuff. No wonder i get so upset now. Everything i say about it now is nothing more than what i actually felt back then. Life is mirroring so i can have a chance to work through the issues this time. This i want to do. Master is such an amazing man and sub L is a great woman. i really like her and i *know* its not her i'm having difficulty with. i know i won't lose Him, but it keeps coming up and now i get it. So now, its figuring out how i go back and heal those wounds back there, so i can have a happier life today.