Ah my friend, long time no see

Master had me in the cage tonight. Oh such sweet memories of very deep and primal subspaces. Went to a nice, light one tonight. Will be good to get back to the deep ones, but maybe not the primal space so much.

We have been talking more about what our likes and interests are. i am once again opening up to the turn ons i had many years ago when i was younger. i've been almost shut down sexually for almost 3 years now, but its nice to see it all opening up again. i'm also discovering just how easy it can be to condition yourself to arousal. i've been reading up a fair bit on hypnosis lately and this morning decided i would to to see a professional hypnotist to help with weight loss. No problem there, but for a spare nano-second i had a thought of the hypnotist using me sexually while i was under hypnosis and planting a suggestion i would never remember it and then it happened - boom! Got so incredibly turned on, it wasn't funny. Remained that way all day. Have Master's permission to come when i go to bed in an hour or so and very much looking forward to that. i can't just cum though, i have to edge twice at first, then cum. It can be so hard, but i manage it. Asked Him earlier and He said 'no'. That was awesome, it just makes me want it more, Him more and to please Him more.

Its what i am

 slave

Trust as deep as the ocean

Master and i had a good chat this evening, getting much cleared up.  Its funny how a simple talk with Him makes so much sense of it all and clears everything up.  i feel secure in my status in His life once again.  i've been working through many triggers in the last 6 months or so and i guess now i'm getting down to my core ones.  

Its also interesting to note at the same time some of my deepest, most private fantasies are beginning to re-emerge and i am sharing them.  In the past i always had this tremendous fear that my fantasies would be acted out, now i want them to be.  The thought of Master making them come true for me, in His own way excites me no end.  i never thought i'd ever find anyone i could trust these fantasies or myself to, so much.

i will be asking permission tomorrow to go and see a hypnotist, so i can lose weight.  This will also begin to prime my mind for the process, for when Master decides to travel this path.  He's turned on by it as well.

Hypnosis oh my

Came across groups on fetlife about hyphosis and even a website where you can download a free programme to help you create your own hypnotic suggestions.  This would be awesome.  i'd so love to do this.  Imagine being programmed to cum on demand and not be able to cum at all?  Imagine any inhibitions you had magically melting away?  The mind boggles as to where you could go with this.

Sweet, sweet surrender

i have this urge within me to go to another level of surrender with Master.  i can't really explain it, but its like i have to throw myself head long into complete and utter TPE surrender to Him.  Its taken me so long to get here, i don't want to be waiting any longer than i have to.  i just want to totally surrender, let go and just be in the moment with whatever happens.  i have this desire to give all over to Him, to feel the enslavement within.  There is so much i want to explore to make me the perfect, usable slave.  Orgasm control, instantly obeying orders, no matter what they are, where they are.  Fulfilling all His desires and meeting all His needs.  

i'm also wanting to give up control of my bank accounts and email accounts.  To need to ask permission if i want to spend any money i have over a certain amount.  To go through inspections, infront of people and do various health activities, to show i do not own my body, i simply look after it for Master.  He is the true Owner, in EVERY sense of the word.  Thinking about surrendering to this level gets me so hot.

Not the happiest of times

Master has been training a submissive for the last 5 months who was a complete newby to this life.  At the end of this month it will be time for their formal talk on what the next stage involves.  He is pretty much decided He wants to take her on full time and i'm sure she's happy to.  This has left me just a bit insecure.

i have no reason to be insecure, let me say that right off.  He has been going out of His way to let me know in no uncertain terms i am His slave and that is not going to change.  Yet, i have started waking up from nightmares of Him leaving me for another.  i have not given so much of myself to anyone before and to have done so, has taken a huge hurdle for me to get over.  And my mind keeps going back to what if.

• What if i'm not good enough? 
• What if He decides He loves this one more?
• What if He realises that what we had wasn't 'real' but only felt like it?
• What if He tells me i have to leave?
• What if He tells me i don't have to leave but i'm not His number 1 anymore and He only keeps me around out of a sense of friendship?

And i think what i fear underneath it all is it will never be just us again.

Then of course, there's the whole "He's Master; whatever pleases Him pleases me" aspect and i struggle with a sense of guilt feeling i'm entitled to any claims on Him.  i remind myself of the old saying "If you love someone set them free.  If they come back to you then they are yours, if they don't then they never were" and yet i don't even want to take that much risk, what if He never came back to me?  And i ask myself what is all the emotional drama doing to our relationship?  His constantly having to comfort me and soothe my fears, what must that be like for Him?  i'm well aware i could just as easily drive Him away from this as much as anything else - and that starts a whole new cycle of paranoia.

i just want to melt so completely into total slavery to Him.  i want to be free of consent and choice to anything yet it is so damn hard to consent to having your own feelings trampled on.

Good weekend

It has been a good and interesting weekend.  Last night we had guests over for dinner, so i spent all yesterday on my feet cleaning and preparing.  It was well-worth the effort in the end, but gee was i tired.  Discovered a male submissive friend is a bit obsessed with the idea of being ordered by his Mistress to have sex with me.  That threw me because it had never crossed my mind before.  This led onto talks later with Master that one day He will be having others use me.  i mentioned i'm more comfortable with the idea of servicing women than men, which He said He'd take note of.  Can't say it isn't arousing.

Tonight we bought some new cuffs for me, as its been a few years since i've had any and we also got that butt plug to finally get around to some anal training.  Very excited by this, can't wait to get started.  It feels like i'm finally going down the path i need to travel.