Ok not exactly like the Emperor 'wore'. Its time to get myself some new clothes which reflect my new attitude toward myself. For the longest time, i've been wearing second hand clothes bought from ebay or daggy stuff that looks like a potato sack would be a ball gown in comparison! Really, i have no idea how Master has put up with me for so long, must be love.
i won't be getting a lot of clothing because i've never felt the need to have all that much and i don't think i should really need all that much. But i do need to make a major overhaul of everything. i have Master's instructions of what He requires from my clothes, so as long as i stay within those limits, i'm pretty much free to choose what i like. i have decided to get myself some new bras and make them maternity ones. i need bras for the support, but maternity bras means Master can have easy and quick access to my breasts when He likes.
Though i'm not allowed to wear anything to bed, i do want to get some very nice, attractive nightdresses, as its getting too cold to be running around naked now. That of course is up to Master, if He chooses to have me running around naked in winter, but He much prefers i be healthy and remain usable, then get sick.
Rebuilding a wardrobe takes a lot of time.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Deepening
For a while i've had a desire (need?) to deepen into slavery. i had become too self indulged, too self centred. The reality of how far this had gone was brought home to me by sub L. Her attention to Master and to detail annoyed me somewhat because deep down, i knew i should've been doing that as well.
So, i've decided to turn over a new leaf as they say. Yesterday, i followed all Master's instructions and i followed the old rule of 'do tasks first, then leisure time'. i used to do whatever i wanted first, then do what needed doing last, which i then felt resentment about. Yesterday, i found that doing tasks first, i felt happy and enjoyed having my leisure time, because i'd earned it.
Last night, Master came home from work, then took me out to quickly get a script filled and to get something for dinner. He told me to go to chemist while He went shopping and then to wait outside for Him. i found myself desiring to be obedient all the way, following rules about getting in and out of cars, how to sit in the car - even taking up the slave wait position, while waiting for Master to finish in the supermarket. i waited for as long as i needed and went into 'waiting space'. There were a few people that stared at me, but i didn't care. i had a command and i obeyed, that was all that mattered.
Master was very pleased with my behaviour the whole way and it felt really good to know i had pleased Him and made Him happy again. i think i'd been fightening the deepening because of fear of losing who i was in the process of becoming slave. But i don't fear that now. i'm not going to lose who i am - i'm finding it.
So, i've decided to turn over a new leaf as they say. Yesterday, i followed all Master's instructions and i followed the old rule of 'do tasks first, then leisure time'. i used to do whatever i wanted first, then do what needed doing last, which i then felt resentment about. Yesterday, i found that doing tasks first, i felt happy and enjoyed having my leisure time, because i'd earned it.
Last night, Master came home from work, then took me out to quickly get a script filled and to get something for dinner. He told me to go to chemist while He went shopping and then to wait outside for Him. i found myself desiring to be obedient all the way, following rules about getting in and out of cars, how to sit in the car - even taking up the slave wait position, while waiting for Master to finish in the supermarket. i waited for as long as i needed and went into 'waiting space'. There were a few people that stared at me, but i didn't care. i had a command and i obeyed, that was all that mattered.
Master was very pleased with my behaviour the whole way and it felt really good to know i had pleased Him and made Him happy again. i think i'd been fightening the deepening because of fear of losing who i was in the process of becoming slave. But i don't fear that now. i'm not going to lose who i am - i'm finding it.
The funniest thing
Spoke with my mother this afternoon. Turns out the reason i was sent to my cousin's for the weekend was because i wanted to go as i didn't have anyone to play with. How strange memories can be.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
oooh
Well the soreness has already gone and i feel like i want to go again, so that's a really positive sign.
Anal training - day 1
First session with a butt plug today. A little on the funny side, but oh well. Took me over 20 minutes to just find the right position! Doesn't help when your tummy is too big to reach around. Ended up having the plug in for about 10 minutes, used the vibrating attachment with it, so it made it more pleasurable and also took my mind off the pain - more heavy pressure feeling really.
Over all, was very nice - and falling asleep for an hour after was good too lol. Must have really relaxed me. Very much want to have another session soon, with Master inserting it this time. Just thinking about that makes me hot.
Over all, was very nice - and falling asleep for an hour after was good too lol. Must have really relaxed me. Very much want to have another session soon, with Master inserting it this time. Just thinking about that makes me hot.
Ye Olde Harem Tent
Ok, so last post kinda detoured from where i was wanting to go, but i felt it was important to let it flow.
As i was saying, so many issues i've held onto for so long have been worked through and released over the last 6 months, its been awesome. One of the last ones is this whole abandonment, rejection issue which has been coming up with the poligyny situation. i love the idea of being part of a family, of having others around. i love the idea of there being others to satisfy Master's needs because He deserves it. i really want this to work out because i do get along with sub L and i do believe there is no malice in her, i just gotta get this demon outta my head first. Its gotta be said as well, i love the idea of going down on other women for Master's pleasure. Had this desire to be on long term orgasm denial but have to bring others around me to orgasm constantly and be edged myself, just not allowed to go over the top. That sort of thing could really happen in a polygyny household and i'd love it.
The last issue i have to get through that i'm aware of is my weight. i plan on seeing a professional hypnotist for that, but i think it can be successful now. i can actually see myself getting there in the end. How amazing would that be?
As i was saying, so many issues i've held onto for so long have been worked through and released over the last 6 months, its been awesome. One of the last ones is this whole abandonment, rejection issue which has been coming up with the poligyny situation. i love the idea of being part of a family, of having others around. i love the idea of there being others to satisfy Master's needs because He deserves it. i really want this to work out because i do get along with sub L and i do believe there is no malice in her, i just gotta get this demon outta my head first. Its gotta be said as well, i love the idea of going down on other women for Master's pleasure. Had this desire to be on long term orgasm denial but have to bring others around me to orgasm constantly and be edged myself, just not allowed to go over the top. That sort of thing could really happen in a polygyny household and i'd love it.
The last issue i have to get through that i'm aware of is my weight. i plan on seeing a professional hypnotist for that, but i think it can be successful now. i can actually see myself getting there in the end. How amazing would that be?
Triggers
i have downloaded a programme which displays subliminal messages on the screen quicker than you can take them in, but you can see them there. There are set scripts, but you can also add your own and i've decided to start using it to help me get over some sexual issues i've had in the past. Had it on about 20 minutes and i can say it seems to be working.
i've been working through some amazingly deep issues the last 6 months. So much is coming up and just being released, its wonderful. i think my issues with submissive L have a lot to do with that as well, some of the deeper stuff that happened earlier on in my childhood is being sparked off. i know i was made to feel like an outsider in my own home once my sister came along and then when the second one came, i was actually shipped out to stay with relatives on weekends, so maybe what is happening now is triggering feelings of abandonment i didn't know i had back then. i always thought i was glad to be out of the house where "he" was, but looking back, i was also an incredibly lost, lonely child. It didn't help that my aunt was always in what seemed an incredibly bad mood and i felt like i was intruding there too. Often, my cousins would go off and play without me and i'd be left to my own devices for hours on end, just reading books or whatever. Them living on the 14th floor and me having a phobia of heights just wasn't a good match.
Wow, that is actually quite traumatic stuff. No wonder i get so upset now. Everything i say about it now is nothing more than what i actually felt back then. Life is mirroring so i can have a chance to work through the issues this time. This i want to do. Master is such an amazing man and sub L is a great woman. i really like her and i *know* its not her i'm having difficulty with. i know i won't lose Him, but it keeps coming up and now i get it. So now, its figuring out how i go back and heal those wounds back there, so i can have a happier life today.
i've been working through some amazingly deep issues the last 6 months. So much is coming up and just being released, its wonderful. i think my issues with submissive L have a lot to do with that as well, some of the deeper stuff that happened earlier on in my childhood is being sparked off. i know i was made to feel like an outsider in my own home once my sister came along and then when the second one came, i was actually shipped out to stay with relatives on weekends, so maybe what is happening now is triggering feelings of abandonment i didn't know i had back then. i always thought i was glad to be out of the house where "he" was, but looking back, i was also an incredibly lost, lonely child. It didn't help that my aunt was always in what seemed an incredibly bad mood and i felt like i was intruding there too. Often, my cousins would go off and play without me and i'd be left to my own devices for hours on end, just reading books or whatever. Them living on the 14th floor and me having a phobia of heights just wasn't a good match.
Wow, that is actually quite traumatic stuff. No wonder i get so upset now. Everything i say about it now is nothing more than what i actually felt back then. Life is mirroring so i can have a chance to work through the issues this time. This i want to do. Master is such an amazing man and sub L is a great woman. i really like her and i *know* its not her i'm having difficulty with. i know i won't lose Him, but it keeps coming up and now i get it. So now, its figuring out how i go back and heal those wounds back there, so i can have a happier life today.
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