Going to Byron

Just back from Byron Bay this weekend gone.  What a lovely time, very relaxing, great movies and lots of laughs shared.  Attended a munch down by the sea which only have 7 of us in total, but it was a quality 7.  The weather's turning nasty now, so grey skies and threats of rain, followed by actual rain, don't tend to encourage people to want to go out.  Why can't it be permanent spring?

The Castle

Sorry for not being here for a while.

We did go to the castle for the bdsm party a week ago (was it only that long ago?) The castle was amazing, hand built by the owner over 30 years. You can see a pic of it here . People were being whipped and teased and put into stocks all over the place. Being a chilly night, the largest congregation was around the live fire (something of a rarity in Brisbane). We spent a good part of the night outside watching a submissive being caned. Quite good fun.

After getting home at 1am, Master did a scene with both sub l and myself which went for about an hour. We were quite surprised. Very delicious though. Nice to see my pain levels rising.

Castle

Sorry its been a while since i've been here, a bit going on. Not to worry.

We went to the castle last weekend and it was amazing. The man who owns it, built it all himself stone by stone.

Challenges

i've been busy working through quite a few internal issues lately.  Kind of spring cleaning my emotional closet (except its just on winter here).  

i discovered a new reason behind being over weight called 'father hunger', which results from having a father missing in your early years.  The premise is father's make girls feel pretty and valued but if your's isn't around, then you look for that elsewhere.  For some of us that's in food.  i've been thinking about this and how it might affect me.  Also, what i can do to replace that validation, so i don't need food anymore.

i've been thinking about changing career paths and have enrolled in a new IT course for this purpose.  Not sure what i can do with it, but one element is to take some webpage design subjects, so i could look at setting up my own not-for-profit business helping charities and such get webpages set up, etc.  i will also be able to use my skills to help Master run His varioius websites.

my fear of heights is going.  Not just "Oh, you want me to hang by a rope from the 55th floor window" fear, but the "you want me to go up 1 flight of stairs" fear.  i'm talking serious phobia here.  Well, i'm getting so much better with that, even in my dreams i'm getting over it, which is so amazing.  It seems though that my relationship fears have accelerated.  i am super touchy on certain issues and if Master goes away for a weekend to spend with His submissive (in training) i find myself almost in hysterical fear.  Its crazy, its not healthy and i am trying to learn to deal with it.  

i want to get back to being that woman who was powerful; able to do many things, have interests and hobbies and not crash.  Able to look people in the eye and smile.  i guess wanting to get back there is the first step.

Awesome

http://www.internationalmensday.com/

anti-feminism

i've been reading up on a few anti-feminism blogs and websites. i'm left with quite a few feelings i'm not sure how to process. Anger, confusion, empathy. All directed at the feminists. Feminism went far too far i think. Its become this out of control monster that is destroying everything in it's path and destroying itself from the inside.

How can women in all seriousness, write to someone had make hurtful comments about their anatomy? Isn't that exactly what women accused men of doing - it was either you're pretty what are you complaining about or well you can't get any that's your problem - supposedly by the men at the women. And then there are those who write to men who are in pain because a marriage has just broken up and they can't see their children and they say really nasty things about how he probably deserved it, designed deliberately to cut.

i read on these sites about the faults of women, the manipulations, the self-centredness, the crudeness and i can only agree. Women need to be shown their place again. Women need to be humbled and reminded of where they belong in the order of things. And yes i am a woman and i say this about myself as much as all other women. Now there is talk of a great ground swell of angry men rising up, the Men's Movement is on the rise and their anger is palpable. i don't blame them in the least. Women need to really be careful here, or else they will usher in the type of society they claim existed before - which it never did. A society in which women have no rights and are treated as slaves of their Men. Well, i have no problem with this but i'm sure there are a lot of women out there who would.

Other stuff

i've been studying my diploma in childcare this year to get that finished off. The course has gone so badly, with text books not being available and all the course material being on CDrom which we still haven't received and we need to have 10 assignments in within the next 6 weeks or fail! Then on top of that is placement and i had issues with getting that started because of police check clearances. i filled the paper work out in Feb and gave it to the college, but they didn't send it off til half way through March and i was supposed to start placement 2 weeks later - and it takes 5 weeks to get the clearance!

Besides all that, i realise i can't do it. i can't go to placement. i just so don't want to work in childcare anymore and i'm having issues with responsibility out of the home at the moment because i have Bipolar Disorder.

i am enrolling in an internet communications bachelor course though. i will be studying this from home and i don't have to go anywhere for placements or such. i have a lot of interest in the internet and webdesign, so it will be a good course for me to do and will open up work options later.

Fantasies

i've been having them all day. Partly fantasy and partly what i feel i need to help me push through boundaries of my slavehood. Being stripped of everything, back to 'nothing' again. No sitting on furniture at all, can only use the computer between these hours, must do X by Y time, etc etc. Spending an entire day crawling through the house. Being made to sleep in the laundry or even being chained up in the laundry for several days at a time, only taken out to be given a sound whipping. Thoughts like this make me incredibly hot, but its the possibility of actually doing them that is hottest. And then there is a part of me that is crying out to experience it all and more.

slave's new clothes

Ok not exactly like the Emperor 'wore'. Its time to get myself some new clothes which reflect my new attitude toward myself. For the longest time, i've been wearing second hand clothes bought from ebay or daggy stuff that looks like a potato sack would be a ball gown in comparison! Really, i have no idea how Master has put up with me for so long, must be love.

i won't be getting a lot of clothing because i've never felt the need to have all that much and i don't think i should really need all that much. But i do need to make a major overhaul of everything. i have Master's instructions of what He requires from my clothes, so as long as i stay within those limits, i'm pretty much free to choose what i like. i have decided to get myself some new bras and make them maternity ones. i need bras for the support, but maternity bras means Master can have easy and quick access to my breasts when He likes.

Though i'm not allowed to wear anything to bed, i do want to get some very nice, attractive nightdresses, as its getting too cold to be running around naked now. That of course is up to Master, if He chooses to have me running around naked in winter, but He much prefers i be healthy and remain usable, then get sick.

Rebuilding a wardrobe takes a lot of time.

Deepening

For a while i've had a desire (need?) to deepen into slavery. i had become too self indulged, too self centred. The reality of how far this had gone was brought home to me by sub L. Her attention to Master and to detail annoyed me somewhat because deep down, i knew i should've been doing that as well.

So, i've decided to turn over a new leaf as they say. Yesterday, i followed all Master's instructions and i followed the old rule of 'do tasks first, then leisure time'. i used to do whatever i wanted first, then do what needed doing last, which i then felt resentment about. Yesterday, i found that doing tasks first, i felt happy and enjoyed having my leisure time, because i'd earned it.

Last night, Master came home from work, then took me out to quickly get a script filled and to get something for dinner. He told me to go to chemist while He went shopping and then to wait outside for Him. i found myself desiring to be obedient all the way, following rules about getting in and out of cars, how to sit in the car - even taking up the slave wait position, while waiting for Master to finish in the supermarket. i waited for as long as i needed and went into 'waiting space'. There were a few people that stared at me, but i didn't care. i had a command and i obeyed, that was all that mattered.

Master was very pleased with my behaviour the whole way and it felt really good to know i had pleased Him and made Him happy again. i think i'd been fightening the deepening because of fear of losing who i was in the process of becoming slave. But i don't fear that now. i'm not going to lose who i am - i'm finding it.

The funniest thing

Spoke with my mother this afternoon. Turns out the reason i was sent to my cousin's for the weekend was because i wanted to go as i didn't have anyone to play with. How strange memories can be.

oooh

Well the soreness has already gone and i feel like i want to go again, so that's a really positive sign.

Anal training - day 1

First session with a butt plug today. A little on the funny side, but oh well. Took me over 20 minutes to just find the right position! Doesn't help when your tummy is too big to reach around. Ended up having the plug in for about 10 minutes, used the vibrating attachment with it, so it made it more pleasurable and also took my mind off the pain - more heavy pressure feeling really.

Over all, was very nice - and falling asleep for an hour after was good too lol. Must have really relaxed me. Very much want to have another session soon, with Master inserting it this time. Just thinking about that makes me hot.

Ye Olde Harem Tent

Ok, so last post kinda detoured from where i was wanting to go, but i felt it was important to let it flow.

As i was saying, so many issues i've held onto for so long have been worked through and released over the last 6 months, its been awesome. One of the last ones is this whole abandonment, rejection issue which has been coming up with the poligyny situation. i love the idea of being part of a family, of having others around. i love the idea of there being others to satisfy Master's needs because He deserves it. i really want this to work out because i do get along with sub L and i do believe there is no malice in her, i just gotta get this demon outta my head first. Its gotta be said as well, i love the idea of going down on other women for Master's pleasure. Had this desire to be on long term orgasm denial but have to bring others around me to orgasm constantly and be edged myself, just not allowed to go over the top. That sort of thing could really happen in a polygyny household and i'd love it.

The last issue i have to get through that i'm aware of is my weight. i plan on seeing a professional hypnotist for that, but i think it can be successful now. i can actually see myself getting there in the end. How amazing would that be?

Triggers

i have downloaded a programme which displays subliminal messages on the screen quicker than you can take them in, but you can see them there. There are set scripts, but you can also add your own and i've decided to start using it to help me get over some sexual issues i've had in the past. Had it on about 20 minutes and i can say it seems to be working.

i've been working through some amazingly deep issues the last 6 months. So much is coming up and just being released, its wonderful. i think my issues with submissive L have a lot to do with that as well, some of the deeper stuff that happened earlier on in my childhood is being sparked off. i know i was made to feel like an outsider in my own home once my sister came along and then when the second one came, i was actually shipped out to stay with relatives on weekends, so maybe what is happening now is triggering feelings of abandonment i didn't know i had back then. i always thought i was glad to be out of the house where "he" was, but looking back, i was also an incredibly lost, lonely child. It didn't help that my aunt was always in what seemed an incredibly bad mood and i felt like i was intruding there too. Often, my cousins would go off and play without me and i'd be left to my own devices for hours on end, just reading books or whatever. Them living on the 14th floor and me having a phobia of heights just wasn't a good match.

Wow, that is actually quite traumatic stuff. No wonder i get so upset now. Everything i say about it now is nothing more than what i actually felt back then. Life is mirroring so i can have a chance to work through the issues this time. This i want to do. Master is such an amazing man and sub L is a great woman. i really like her and i *know* its not her i'm having difficulty with. i know i won't lose Him, but it keeps coming up and now i get it. So now, its figuring out how i go back and heal those wounds back there, so i can have a happier life today.

Ah my friend, long time no see

Master had me in the cage tonight. Oh such sweet memories of very deep and primal subspaces. Went to a nice, light one tonight. Will be good to get back to the deep ones, but maybe not the primal space so much.

We have been talking more about what our likes and interests are. i am once again opening up to the turn ons i had many years ago when i was younger. i've been almost shut down sexually for almost 3 years now, but its nice to see it all opening up again. i'm also discovering just how easy it can be to condition yourself to arousal. i've been reading up a fair bit on hypnosis lately and this morning decided i would to to see a professional hypnotist to help with weight loss. No problem there, but for a spare nano-second i had a thought of the hypnotist using me sexually while i was under hypnosis and planting a suggestion i would never remember it and then it happened - boom! Got so incredibly turned on, it wasn't funny. Remained that way all day. Have Master's permission to come when i go to bed in an hour or so and very much looking forward to that. i can't just cum though, i have to edge twice at first, then cum. It can be so hard, but i manage it. Asked Him earlier and He said 'no'. That was awesome, it just makes me want it more, Him more and to please Him more.

Its what i am

 slave

Trust as deep as the ocean

Master and i had a good chat this evening, getting much cleared up.  Its funny how a simple talk with Him makes so much sense of it all and clears everything up.  i feel secure in my status in His life once again.  i've been working through many triggers in the last 6 months or so and i guess now i'm getting down to my core ones.  

Its also interesting to note at the same time some of my deepest, most private fantasies are beginning to re-emerge and i am sharing them.  In the past i always had this tremendous fear that my fantasies would be acted out, now i want them to be.  The thought of Master making them come true for me, in His own way excites me no end.  i never thought i'd ever find anyone i could trust these fantasies or myself to, so much.

i will be asking permission tomorrow to go and see a hypnotist, so i can lose weight.  This will also begin to prime my mind for the process, for when Master decides to travel this path.  He's turned on by it as well.

Hypnosis oh my

Came across groups on fetlife about hyphosis and even a website where you can download a free programme to help you create your own hypnotic suggestions.  This would be awesome.  i'd so love to do this.  Imagine being programmed to cum on demand and not be able to cum at all?  Imagine any inhibitions you had magically melting away?  The mind boggles as to where you could go with this.

Sweet, sweet surrender

i have this urge within me to go to another level of surrender with Master.  i can't really explain it, but its like i have to throw myself head long into complete and utter TPE surrender to Him.  Its taken me so long to get here, i don't want to be waiting any longer than i have to.  i just want to totally surrender, let go and just be in the moment with whatever happens.  i have this desire to give all over to Him, to feel the enslavement within.  There is so much i want to explore to make me the perfect, usable slave.  Orgasm control, instantly obeying orders, no matter what they are, where they are.  Fulfilling all His desires and meeting all His needs.  

i'm also wanting to give up control of my bank accounts and email accounts.  To need to ask permission if i want to spend any money i have over a certain amount.  To go through inspections, infront of people and do various health activities, to show i do not own my body, i simply look after it for Master.  He is the true Owner, in EVERY sense of the word.  Thinking about surrendering to this level gets me so hot.

Not the happiest of times

Master has been training a submissive for the last 5 months who was a complete newby to this life.  At the end of this month it will be time for their formal talk on what the next stage involves.  He is pretty much decided He wants to take her on full time and i'm sure she's happy to.  This has left me just a bit insecure.

i have no reason to be insecure, let me say that right off.  He has been going out of His way to let me know in no uncertain terms i am His slave and that is not going to change.  Yet, i have started waking up from nightmares of Him leaving me for another.  i have not given so much of myself to anyone before and to have done so, has taken a huge hurdle for me to get over.  And my mind keeps going back to what if.

• What if i'm not good enough? 
• What if He decides He loves this one more?
• What if He realises that what we had wasn't 'real' but only felt like it?
• What if He tells me i have to leave?
• What if He tells me i don't have to leave but i'm not His number 1 anymore and He only keeps me around out of a sense of friendship?

And i think what i fear underneath it all is it will never be just us again.

Then of course, there's the whole "He's Master; whatever pleases Him pleases me" aspect and i struggle with a sense of guilt feeling i'm entitled to any claims on Him.  i remind myself of the old saying "If you love someone set them free.  If they come back to you then they are yours, if they don't then they never were" and yet i don't even want to take that much risk, what if He never came back to me?  And i ask myself what is all the emotional drama doing to our relationship?  His constantly having to comfort me and soothe my fears, what must that be like for Him?  i'm well aware i could just as easily drive Him away from this as much as anything else - and that starts a whole new cycle of paranoia.

i just want to melt so completely into total slavery to Him.  i want to be free of consent and choice to anything yet it is so damn hard to consent to having your own feelings trampled on.

Good weekend

It has been a good and interesting weekend.  Last night we had guests over for dinner, so i spent all yesterday on my feet cleaning and preparing.  It was well-worth the effort in the end, but gee was i tired.  Discovered a male submissive friend is a bit obsessed with the idea of being ordered by his Mistress to have sex with me.  That threw me because it had never crossed my mind before.  This led onto talks later with Master that one day He will be having others use me.  i mentioned i'm more comfortable with the idea of servicing women than men, which He said He'd take note of.  Can't say it isn't arousing.

Tonight we bought some new cuffs for me, as its been a few years since i've had any and we also got that butt plug to finally get around to some anal training.  Very excited by this, can't wait to get started.  It feels like i'm finally going down the path i need to travel.

New shoes

Yay!  Bought new shoes today.  i have unusual feet, so not that easy to get shoes that fit (broad, small and high instep - your basic everyday Fred Flinstone feet).  These are nice.  i bought a corset the other day, online, which sits under the bust and exposes the breasts unless an under top is worn.  i have a skirt i will be wearing with it for now, and now the shoes to set it off, kind of Edwardian meets goth/vampire fiction dress.  Thinking about getting a top hat and lace parasol to set it off now.  We are off to a castle next month for a scene party, so i figure that's as good a place as any to dress up.

WWMD

 A few licks of the dragon's tail last night and i was taken out of time.  It has been a long time since it was used on me, but it was enjoyable.  i've been sensing a need to go a lot deeper lately.  For a while now, it seems as though we just reach a place and give up and i'm left with an unfulfilled feeling.  Kind of like your lover getting you all worked up to the point of orgasm, then having to leave - no fun finishing it yourself.  Its like i'm still at that edge, waiting to be (lovingly) pushed over.  i guess when the session finishes, i realise i have so much more still in reserve to give and i want that taken from me as well.

i guess what i'm asking for is to be broken.  Its something i've wanted for the longest time.  Not broken in the sense of psychological damage, but broken in the sense of needing to break a cocoon so the butterfly can emerge.  i've known for a very long time that this is what i've needed.  To truly enslave me, truly own me i need to be taken beyond what i think is the point of endurance and come out the other side.

i have decided the number one priority in my life is my relationship with Master.  Being His slave means more to me than anything.  i've finally got my head right about the whole order of things and that its about pleasing Him that counts.  Anything that would affect our relationship negatively must go, no matter how much i might enjoy it.  Master will be locking a permanent collar around my next one day.  Before that happens, i will be signing over a complete and total power of attorney to Him.  i guess i'm looking not only for internal enslavement, but for a complete metamorphosis to where i see myself as utter slave.  slave first, slave second, slave third, then michelle, then person.

i'm trying to let go of a whole lot of habits, like spending money on useless things.  i'm choosing to not spend money at all unless i really have to, so the money can sit in the bank and build up.  Do i really need that thing i think i want so much?  Would Master think it was needed?  Usually the answer there would be 'no'.  i don't want to hand my cards over because that would defeat the purpose, besides, i'd just go and do on line transfers as a "so there".  No, much better for it to become an internal enslavement, where it becomes second nature for me not to spend money.

What would please Master?  That is the thought i need to be ingrained into my brain.

The most natural state

i've finally discovered the most natural state for me to be in permanently is horny.  Horny without permission to touch myself, so the arousal can only build and build and i can do nothing to release it.  In this state i find myself naturally submissive and eager to please.  Its like being just in the door of subspace, able to jump right in at a moment's notice. 

i love the whole concept of being permanently on edge and any man able to come up and touch me or tease me to his own pleasure and my being under instructions to let it happen.  That isn't going to happen because Master will not allow just anyone to touch me, but its a nice arousing thought all the same.

This morning i was left with some cane marks on my breasts and possibly my bum (not sure, didn't check).  How quickly they fade though.  Still, its the first time we've gotten a decent mark on me, so here's hoping.  i was a bit surprised at how much of a turn on the sharpness of the pain was though.  i can see myself at some point passing out from the pure bliss of it.

Going over the edge

Master,

i am standing on a precipice right now, wanting to go over the edge but not able to do it alone.  i want Your help to push me over and make me fly.  i am so close to reaching the next level of Internal Enslavement, i want to go there, but can't on my own.  It has to be a kind of "forced" thing if You understand what i mean.

Please help me.  i need You to be cool and strict with me for now.  To punish every and all slight infractions of the rules.  i need constant reminding of my place when You are around.  This will not damage me psychologically because i'm in the right head space to go here and i want with all my heart to take advantage of this moment.  i'm not asking You to never be affectionate with me or to treat me tenderly, that would not be You i think.  i am asking that when i am punished it be cruel.  i am asking for a list of transgressions to be kept written down and for me to be punished for every one of them.  i am asking You to please help me flip the switch in my head.  i want this, i so want this.

Please Master, this is for my own good.  i feel like i'm going to go crazy inside.  i have this craving to be totally slave right now at Your feet.  What Goreans call belly fire.  i need You to be strong and not waiver.  Last night You pulled my head back by the hair and said "you can take 6 more" then gave me 6 more.  That is what i am needing right now.  i have felt times when i've called out in pain and then felt the flogger hit me a little lighter next stroke.  i need to know the next stroke won't be lighter, it will be the same or harsher.  i need Your strength here to not give in to me, but to help me over that edge.

First steps to IE

i have turned some corner in my journey in slavery.  i feel myself sinking into the sublime quicksand of submission: His power and authority over me.  Its a breathless place, but i don't need to breathe, just suffocate in Him.

i love His strength, His power, His confidence when He wields a flogger on my back with full force.  i love His taking command of me, and i also love the soft, gentle moments when He tenderly strokes my head.

i want to be at His feet always.  To sit quietly next to Him while He eats dinner or watches TV or is on the computer.  i want to be the footstool under His precious feet, giving them rest.  To be called to Him from wherever and ordered to pleasure Him because that is what He would like.  To take strokes of the cane or belt, simply because He felt like doing that right then.  To fetch and to carry for Him.  

i had a sudden realisation today.  When things around the house are not done properly, it is my fault, even if He was the one to tend to that task.  It should not be up to Him to be doing such things.  If He does and it isn't done to a certain standard, then that is my fault and i should be punished for that, for i was responsible to begin with.  One task around the house that is Master's is putting the rubbish out each week.  Last night this was not done, yet it wasn't His fault it was mine.  When i realised it had not been done, i simply should have gone and done it.  Not reminded Him, as it is not my place to drawer attention to something which might be seen as a fault, to diminish Him.  He should not have to keep track of these things, this is my obligation.  i need to be punished for this and will ask for it tonight.

i feel i have been too defiant for too long.  i have forgotten my place and my role.  i have only recently been made aware of this and i am choosing to rectify it now.  i have protocol which must be followed for it will please Him.  The change however, is not to do this because He commands or because i 'want' to, it is because it is right.  This is the way i need to conduct myself and this is the way that will bring honour to Master because He chose this behaviour.